The Emotion Behind the Words

Anytime anybody says a sentence, the sentence has two meanings: the literal meaning of the words, and the “emotion” behind those words. Here is an obvious example: If you and I are at an art gallery and you catch me staring away at something, you might ask “what are you looking at?” The literal meaning of those words is “what are you looking at” and the emotion behind those words is “hey are you looking at some piece of art that I haven’t noticed yet”? But if you’re at a bar and some mean Italian guy looks at you and sneers “hey what are you looking at” the real emotion behind those words is “I’m going to fucking kick your ass if you keep looking at me.” Another example: we’re on a road trip and you nervously ask “hey does anybody need to stop to pee”? The literal meaning of those words is “hey I want to know if anybody wants to stop to pee” but the emotion behind those words is “I really need to pee and I need an excuse to stop.”

Ok, so people, and ESPECIALLY women, are very good at discerning the “emotion” behind your words. So you can say “hey how was your day” and they can immediately sense that you want to fuck them or that you will be a beta supplicator. How do they know this? Your tone of voice, your body language, your posture, etc… (I’ll call all these characteristics the X-factor). Most of it is subconscious so you can’t even tell that you’re coming off as a creep or desperate, but they can. An important thing to learn in PUA is that the EMOTION BEHIND THE WORDS is more important than the actual words themselves. You can spend all day talking with a girl about the dumbest shit and she’ll love it as long as the “emotion” behind the words is good.

So what to do? You want to convey to girls that you are confident, that you don’t need them, that you have extremely high standards, and that you are always looking for somebody better. This has to come out in your X-factor. If your X-factor is right, you can say shit to a girl that a regular could never say. If your X-factor is bad, even the most innocuous words come out like turds. The way to give off a good X-factor is as follows:

1) Be very confident and calm, like you were talking to your mom or your best friend.
2) Be playful and half-joking about everything, so that every sentence you say feels like you might mean it or you might not.
3) Make her feel like that you are talking to her but your mind is on something else.
4) When she talks about boring shit shift your body language so that it seems like you are almost bored or annoyed by her talking.
5) Good eye contact is important but look around the room every once in a while to let her know that she’s not the center of your universe.
6) Take a step away every once in a while to make her feel like you might just walk away or that you feel like she is coming on to you too strong.
7) Smile, laugh, and be generally happy so she feels like you are talking to her because the conversation is fun, not because you like HER.
8) Listen to what she’s saying, but don’t listen too deeply, like every word she says is super valuable.

Here is an embarrassing confession: I learned one of my most important PUA lessons from a girl named Becky who was a huge slut. She was really hot, fucked tons of guys, and knew she could get basically any guy she wanted. She also learned to use these things to manipulate men. Her X-factor was bizarre – whenever she talked it was very fake and condescending, like she was talking to a little kid. Or you could say she sounded like one of those fake salespeople that is trying to come off as nice but you know in their heart they don’t give a fuck about you. If you saw her at a party she would walk up to a with a fake smile on her face, hug you, and say something almost patronizing like “hey buddy! how are you?” She called everybody “buddy,” which is a bizarre thing to say to a guy you want to fuck – but it worked. If you want a fuck a girl, you don’t care that she called you “buddy.” Similarly, if you’re a girl who wants to fuck a guy, you don’t care that he called you buddy. But when she called people “buddy” it gave the feeling that “Hey, I might be interested in you romantically – or maybe as just friends.” After the initial hug, she would cross her arms and take a step back, almost as if she didn’t want to get too close to you. Your brain starts fighting with itself because, on a logical level, your brain thinks “hey she is being very nice and telling me she likes me” but deep down in your heart you aren’t so sure because she is giving you the body language of somebody who is not interested. It’s a sad fact of human psychology, but this type of uncertainty drives people wild. The brain keeps thinking about what’s happening, going through the possibilities, and trying to figure it out. Meanwhile, her mind and increasingly her emotions are focused on you.

I’ve noticed this “fake”, plastic demeanor works with a lot of girls because it keeps them guessing. One on hand, you are being nice and saying the right things, but on the other hand the girl can feel like you may not actually give a shit about her. If you make it clear that you’re not interested in somebody (like if you verbally say “I’m not interested in you” or just walk away), they move on because they don’t want to be hurt or humiliated. But if you make it clear that you ARE interested in somebody, then they get tired of you because you’ve already been conquered. But if you can keep them in that middle zone you are golden. And Becky’s demeanor was perfect for that – her words were nice but her demeanor made you doubt. I would analogize her demeanor to a famous pop star or rapper like Jay Z trying really hard to be nice to one of her fans (an especially pathetic fan, like a little kid or something), or the host of a party greeting his guests in a way that’s polite but that shows that the host clearly has other shit to attend to.

Most guys are the opposite (especially PUA guys) are the opposite. They will try to talk and sound like they don’t care about the girl or that they’re “alpha” or whatever, but the girl can tell that they do care, so the guy comes off as a fake, angry, beta. Its the worst of both worlds – the guy is being an asshole and ignoring her but he also doesn’t make her feel that “alpha” vibe because she knows he is obsessed with her and thinking about her. On the other hand, if you see a TRUE PLAYER, you will notice that he is extremely nice (sometimes overly nice), smiling, happy, etc… But you always get the feeling that he might just up and leave the girl at any moment and go do something else. If you’re at a party with a true player a lot of times you can’t even tell what girl he is into until he tells you.

Here’s an example from my own life. Last week some girl I used to date, but started ignoring, called me. We talked for a while and at the end of it she just admitted that “I called you cuz I wanted some attention.” Of course this is what some people might call a “shit test.” My response? I said in a playful way “you can call me anytime you want for attention.” Of course, if I actually meant this, that would be horrible. I would be admitting that I was firmly in the friendzone and I would sound like a beta dork that would bend over and give this girl attention whenever she wanted. But because I said it in a playful, condescending, “I’m just trying to be nice to you” way, she didn’t know whether I was actually available to give her attention whenever she wanted. We talked for another minute after this comment and then I told her I had to go to the gym. So I said a massively beta thing – but with the right X-factor. Result? This weekend she called me at 3 morning, wasted, asking if she could come to my house for some “attention.”

Don’t “scold” women!

As you deal with girls, it is common for girls to flake, do mildlly disrespectful things, or to try to take advantage of men. One mistake I see a lot of guys making, and one that I’ve been guilty of as well, is that we “scold” girls when they do things like this. We might make an “innocent” joke like “stop being so lame” to worse, such as outright berating them. I even see guys post on PUA forums stories of how they “told some girl off” as if it was something to be proud about.

Here is the point of this blog post: Don’t Scold Girls! Period! If a girl is truly being a flake and/or disrespectful, dump her, but don’t think that yelling/insulting/demeaning girls will get you anywhere. Instead, it will create a weird, negative vibe in the relationship and the girl will immediately become cautious and suspicious around you. Not to mention that it will make you look smaller and weaker in her eyes – I mean, how high could your status be if something SHE does could make you so upset? Also, imagine if you’re a pretty girl that is constantly meeting guys, giving out her number, and going on dates. Do you want to hang out with the guy who plays it cool and brushes off a little flakiness, or the guy that texts her “hey what happened to you!! Where did you go? Lame!!” Going on a date with somebody is a frustrating experience because you have to deal with the emotions of some person you barely now, the last thing you want to deal with is is somebody sensitive, or angry, or needy, etc… The key is to constantly stay positive!

This is a hard concept for guys to understand because men and women are wired different emotionally. Men learn from a young age that if somebody is fucking with you, you need to stand up to them and get them to stop. And likewise, that’s what men expect others to do. Women don’t learn that. Women don’t have the confidence, emotional desire, competitiveness, experience, or training to “stand up” to people that fuck with them. Either because of society and/or biology (I’m not going to get into that debate here) women are generally nonconfrontational and submissive. If somebody fucks with them they either try to take it or try to disappear. Think about the typical stand up comedy joke – when a guy does something wrong, instead of telling him, the woman will just put it in her memory bank and stew on it and then bring it up in some argument months later.

For that reason, if a woman does something “wrong” (flake, be disrespectful, etc…) and the man yells at her, she doesn’t think “oh shit I need to man up and get my shit right.” Instead she sulks, gets sad, and thinks the guy is an asshole. Even if the guy is right, she still FEELS like he is an asshole, which is what matters. It’s sad to say, but its a fucked up aspect of female psychology. Now, I’m not saying that being an asshole will end every relationship – it won’t – a lot of girls are so desperate and have such low self esteem they will stay with a guy that they think is being a jerk. But it won’t do you any favors.

In every relationship, the man is the “dominant” one, and when he yells at the woman, there is nothing for her to feel good about. When man A yells at man B, sometimes its good, because that causes man B to get his shit together and become a better man, maybe equalling or surpassing man A. But women will never become man A, so degrading/insulting at them is just pointless.

Here is an analogy. Let’s say you work for a guy we’ll call “Boss.” Boss owns the company, he is very rich, and your salary/livelihood/life is dependent on Boss. You are very worried about doing a good job and impressing Boss, because you know if you don’t, we could find somebody else. One day, you fuck up at work and the Boss comes in your office and says “Well, Jim, looks like you fucked up the account – you’re a real piece of shit.” How would you feel? Even if you knew he was right, and you knew you could do better, and you knew that, overall, Boss still liked you and wanted you to work there, him calling you a piece of shit would affect you deeply – because he had power over you. You would always remember that day and always kind of think your boss was an asshole.

So what should you do when a woman does something wrong? Well, its better to just tell her your feelings. Say something like “I was really looking forward to seeing you” or “I’m really disappointed you missed our dinner.” Women understand the language of “feelings” but they don’t understand the language of confrontation. You may think you sound like a bitch by saying those things, but in reality you are being honest and there is nothing the woman can fault you for. It puts the onus and pressure on her to act right not because she is afraid you will yell at her again, but because she is afraid she will lose you to a woman who will treat her better – the same exact thought process that goes on in her head.

Guys, this is a lesson I learned the hard way. When a woman acts like a jerk, either cut her loose or have an honest conversation about your feelings (in the most positive way possible). But don’t “scold” her. Especially if she has no obligation to you.

What is an alpha male?

There is a lot of talk in the PUA/seduction community about being an “alpha male,” but the real question is this: what IS an alpha male?  I know a lot of people don’t like evolutionary biology, but I’m going to dig into that world for a little bit to gain some insight.

On an evolutionary level, women are attracted to the alpha male for the mere fact that he is the best specimen of the tribe to reproduce with and also the best candidate to take care of the baby.  He is the healthiest, the strongest, and the most likely to survive ape in the tribe.  The alpha male can beat the shit out of any other ape in the tribe (in fact, in ape colonies, that is why he is the alpha male) and is best at providing for the material needs and comfort for his partners (mostly because he can beat the shit out of the other apes and take their food).  In addition, the other apes bow down to the alpha male and obey him, and all the other women in the tribe want to have sex with him.  All of this is programmed into women’s DNA, so when they see a man with these traits in the human world their emotions buzz.

But let me explain to you the most important aspect of being an alpha male:

Apes and human beings (remember, we’re apes too) are naturally programmed to view our societies hierarchically.  In fact, studies have shown that in bonobo packs every ape has a “ranking” and if the number 7 ape disrespects the number 6 ape everybody in the tribe gets very upset. Scientists have even observed lower ranked apes BOWING to higher ranked apes. Its common knowledge that human societies are hierarchical, but its interesting that this hierarchy is rooted in our ape DNA.  Its not a coincidence that practically every human society in history has been structured as a reverse pyramid with one supreme ruler (i.e., alpha male) on top with a hierarchy of lower ranked apes beneath him.

Of course, the alpha male is number one.  What does this mean?  At a primal level, it means that “the alpha male can do whatever he wants.”  That’s right, that’s the whole definition of an alpha male boils down to this: he does whatever he wants.  That’s it.

Of course, it makes sense that women would be attracted to the male that does whatever he wants.  If the alpha male truly does whatever he wants, that means he can beat up the other males.  That means he can get them food and shelter whenever he wants.  That means he can impregnate them whenever he wants. That means he can have sex whenever he wants.  It also means that the alpha male is never needy or desperate because he can control himself because he can do WHATEVER HE WANTS.  By definition, a lower ranked ape cannot do whatever he wants because at the end of the day he has to obey the alpha male.  So the beta male (the #2 male) can do whatever he wants until the alpha male walks by and tells him to go get him a banana or he will get his ass kicked.

So women have a primal aversion to any man that is being controlled, whether it be by another man or woman.  And that’s why women lose their attraction to you when they feel like they can control you.  How can you be an alpha male if you let a woman control you?  Women have to feel like you’re unpredictable and you’re constantly doing cool and interesting things, i.e., the kinds of things a man that can do whatever he wants does. It’s interesting that the most famous character in all of literature, God, is basically a cosmic alpha male that can do whatever he wants on the grandest scale. He literally spends all day kicking people’s asses and giving his friends material things.  And people literally worship him.

As a practical matter, this means that to impress a girl you have to subtly make her feel like you can do whatever you want.  Of course, if you stand her up on a date to play Xbox at home, her rational mind/societal programming is going to tell her that you’re a douchebag that isn’t interested in her.  But you do need to make a woman feel at a primal level that you can do whatever you want.  For example, sometimes if I’m a club and I want to impress a club, I’ll ask the DJ to play a song (I’ll even slip him a $20 if I have to).  When the DJ plays the song, he looks like he works for me and I can do whatever I want.  Of course, the DJ isn’t beneath me, but I am striking that irrational/primal chord in her psyche that makes her attracted to alpha males.

Think about waiters at restaurants.  If you really think about, the whole concept of waiters at restaurants is totally irrational – at even the fanciest places it would make more sense to order at the counter and just go get your food from the counter when its ready.  At the very least, you would order at the counter and somebody would bring you the food.  But restaurants have waiters because are willing to pay a small fee (15-20% of their total bill) so they can pretend to have a slave for a few hours.  Part of the reason women put out after dinner is that they saw the man they were with completely control and dominate another man for a short while – they basically felt like he was the alpha male.  Its totally irrational, its totally stupid, and nobody wants to admit its true – but at the end of the day, how else can you explain restaurants?

This also explains why women like bad boys – a bad boy is really nothing more than a guy who insists on breaking society’s rules.  Logical people know that bad boys are eventually going to get caught and go to jail because our society has a good police system.  However, when a bad boy makes it appear like he can do “anything” that touches a very primal part of a woman’s emotions.  This is also why women like magicians (this is a very weak attraction, obviously), artists, etc…  This is also why women are more attracted to men moving up and improving themselves than men that have already attained success.

As you can imagine, many women (especially feminists) don’t want to admit that they attracted to alpha males because it is a totally irrational thing for human beings.  We live in a society with laws and nobody can truly do “whatever he wants” and if any man tried he would go to jail immediately.  It also just happens that the most successful men are the most disciplined, hard working, and most likely to follow directions and not want to kick other guys’ asses.  So the actual best men in society are often the complete opposite of the “alpha male” that women are attracted to.

What is confidence?

The biggest piece of advice given in the PUA/self-improvement community to men is “be confident.”  But what does it mean to be confident?  It is a much more difficult question than it looks. I have wrestled with this question for years, and here is my stab at it. 

Confidence is the KNOWLEDGE and the EMOTION that nobody is better than you.  That’s it.  The knowledge is the intellectual component – you just have to know that nobody is better than you.  But the intellectual component is not enough because human beings are emotional creatures and our biology is constantly releasing hormones and chemicals to make us feel inferior.  So not only do we have to KNOW that nobody is better than us, we also have to FEEL like nobody is better than us.  The feeling takes time and it only comes with practice.  It is like weightlifting; at first you will go out and be “confident” for like 10 minutes and then something will come and disrupt it (a snarky comment, a girl you think is too hot for you, etc…); then you go out again and you can hold it for an hour; and then eventually you can go toe to toe with any woman or douchebag dude trying to belittle you – and win.  

The intellectual component of confidence is useless without the emotional component because no matter how much you “know” that you are confident, your body and emotions will betray you.  Your body language, your demeanor, your choice of words, etc… It will eventually come out that you don’t feel confident.  Similarly, the emotional component of confidence is meaningless without the intellectual component because there will always be some situation that you have never experienced before and your emotions are not ready for – you need the intellectual component to keep you on track.

Because a huge part of confidence is an emotion, it cannot be taught.  It can only be practiced.  Can you describe happiness to somebody who has never been happy?  Can you describe love to somebody who has never felt love?  No, well you can’t describe confidence to somebody who has never had it – they just have to work at it.  Most confident people can’t explain what they are doing or why they are how they are because it is mostly subconscious.

Low self-esteem chumps are often told they need to improve themselves – go to the gym, pick up a hobby, basically improve their life so they can become more confident.  That’s good advice, but its not enough.   You see, improving your life improves your ACTUAL confidence but to impress women (and a lot of men) you have to have FAKE confidence too.  Fake confidence is the knowledge/emotion that you will conquer any situation, no matter what it is.  There are tons of people that are extremely confident in one part of their lives but fall apart in other parts of their lives.  How many nerds do you know that are absolutely brilliant at math or know the entire Batman chronology but absolutely fall apart when talking to girls. 

To succeed with women, you have to have an unbreakable, FAKE confidence.   If you walk into a party full of NBA basketball players you have to feel like you are the tallest person there.  If somebody has a heart attack you have to feel like you can rescue them.  If Jay Z walked in you have to feel like you can walk up to him and have a conversation.  Yes, I know its silly and delusional, but this is what separates “kind of” confident men from real confident men.  You just have to make sure that you don’t do anything stupid like try to fight a guy that can kick your ass. Part of the reason girls are attracted to douchebags is because they have tons of fake confidence that can’t be backed up by anything, and occasionally girls get tricked into thinking its real. 

Being insecure and self-critical is GOOD.  It’s a good trait.  Some of the most awesome dudes I know (in terms of accomplishments, work, personality, etc…) are the worst around girls because they can’t project that delusional fake confidence that women are attracted to.  The reason for this delusional self confidence is that you need to feel like nobody is better than you – EVER, in any situation. 

How to Have a Conversation with a Woman

I see a lot of guys ask about how to have a conversation with a woman. Here’s one idea; let me know what you think. Basically, the TLDR is:

TLDR: Identify the strongest emotion that she is feeling and address that emotion in the most ALPHA WAY POSSIBLE

Let’s back up: women, like men, are a ball of emotions, most of which are irrational. They are constantly being tossed to and fro by these emotions, and they themselves can’t understand where these feelings came from or what they mean or why they have them. It’s actually worse for women because science has shown that, because of the way chemicals in their brain work, women are more than twice as likely as men to suffer from anxiety and depression – meaning they have literally twice the emotions to deal with. Women are twice as likely to freak out, be worried, and feel insecure/insignificant, etc… Add that to the fact that we live in a misogynistic society where men don’t listen to women and are constantly lying to women to get them into bed. No matter how hot or powerful these women are, they need to have these emotions addressed and their fears assuaged – most powerfully in the form of attention by men. And women, like men, are generally selfish with their emotions so they don’t want to waste their time worrying about somebody else’s emotions unless they can get some direct benefit as well. If you look at reasons that women reject men, it is often because men are “inattentive” to them, that they don’t “listen,” and that they talk about themselves too much.

As a practical matter, it may be difficult to determine what emotion that woman is feeling, especially if you just met her. It’s an art – you have to listen to every word she says carefully, “read her,” analyze her body language, and try to figure out what kind of person she is. Sometimes it’s easy – if she is clearly a vegan/hippie chick you can quickly guess what she cares about, what to say, and what definitely NOT to say. But generally, if you can strike up any kind of conversation with a woman, she will quickly drop hints as to what she cares about. If the woman is not emitting any signals at all, sometimes you just have to guess. One of my most impressive pickups was when I was in a really douche, materialistic nightclub full of attractive people. I saw a really hot blonde chick with fake tits around a bunch of short, ugly guys. Being drunk, and full of courage, I walked up to her and said “you’re way too hot to be with these guys.” (Kids, don’t try this at home). She immediately hugged me and said “OMG you’re sooo right!” I was in, and only because I had successfully guessed that a really attractive woman at a really douchey, materialistic club would be very self-conscious of her appearance and what kind of guys she surrounded herself with. That same line definitely would not work at a Star Wars convention.

A lot of women are only attracted to men that are emotionally unavailable. I’ve always wondered why that was, and I now think that part of the reason is that emotionally unavailable/disinterested men can paradoxically address women’s emotions better than a guy that likes the woman. Why? The guy that really likes the woman will bring his own emotions into the relationship, annoying and frustrating her, making it harder for her to get attention for HER emotions. Let’s say a woman says to the guy “how come you never call me?” A chump that had feelings for the girl would get all emotional and be like “call you? Why don’t you call me? Calling is a two-way street, y’know, blah blah blah.” But an emotionally unavailable/disinterested guy would be like “call you? Ok yeah, I’ll call you.” Even if the AFC tried to address her emotions it wouldn’t feel authentic to her because she knows there is an ulterior motive underlying his words, whereas an emotionally unavailable guy is just telling the complete truth. Only offer up your own emotions if the girl asks for them and even then only a little bit. You know that girl that really liked you but stopped hanging out with you cuz you got too clingy? Well, the truth is that she still likes you but she is avoiding you because she doesn’t want to deal with your emotions – she just wants her emotions addressed. Period. A lot of guys think that women are looking for a guy to fall madly in love with them, but in reality women would rather have a guy that coolly and calmly addressed their emotions, even if he doesn’t like them.

One last point – you don’t have to fix the woman’s problems. You just have to BE THERE as an ALPHA . Let’s say the girl is complaining to you about her boss at work. My old AFC self would have sat and listened attentively and then explained to her how to fix her problems with her boss. But that’s NOT what she wants to hear. Fixing her relationship with her boss is hard work – she would rather just be with an alpha male that can make everything feel good. So if a girl is complaining about her boss, nowadays I will just say “I have a good relationship with my boss, so I don’t know what to tell you.” This makes the girl feel better because, instead of improving her relationship with her boss, which is hard work, she can cuddle with me and feel close to me, a person who has a good relationship with their boss and is strong and powerful. Obviously that is stupid and counterproductive because when she wakes up in the morning she has to face her boss again, but HELLO WELCOME TO HUMAN NATURE! For most of the emotional issues girls have, being “accepted” by somebody who is powerful and in control will make them feel better.

When listening to a girl’s problems and/or addressing her emotions you have to make it clear that you are not a shoulder to cry on or a doormat. The entire time keep a distance and a level of feigned disinterest so she realizes that the attention you are giving her, which is golden, is something valuable and that she needs to work to keep it. By not introducing any conditions or weird requests into the relationship you seem like a golden angel come from heaven to make her feel good, asking nothing in return. You become a drug that she NEEDS, because nobody can address her emotions like you can. But let her know that you’re not a doormat, and you can toss this attention to any girl, so she needs to mind her Ps and Qs.