Hey I’m not updating this blog anymore!
I’ve moved my blog to its own domain: http://www.playersjourney.net
See you there!
Hey I’m not updating this blog anymore!
I’ve moved my blog to its own domain: http://www.playersjourney.net
See you there!
How to prevent and deal with flaking.
If you read part 1 of this series, you would have learned why women flake. Basically, it boils down to the fact that human beings have a strong biological tendency to resist anybody controlling them or telling them what to do or constraining their action. And, silly as it sounds, asking a woman to go on a date with you is subtly asking if you can control her, at least for a few hours. Even if the woman is super attracted to you, her primal instincts freak out when she senses that a guy she doesn’t know is trying to make her do things.
So what’s the solution?
Well, you obviously have to show that you are interested in hanging out with her, but also at the same time that you have no desire to make her do anything and that if she totally flaked it would be totally cool with you. It’s a weird tightrope to walk, but it must be done.
The initial meeting
During the initial meeting, keep talking about how you have to leave. This is known as the “false time constraint” and it works for a reason. It immediately takes you out of “serial killer/rapist/stalker” territory and puts you back in “normal dude who has shit going on in his life” territory. You have to realize that no matter how awesome of a life you lead and how cool of a guy who you are, if all you do to a woman is follow/approach/linger she is going to judge you as s that. A false time constraint subtly sends the message that you need me more than I need you and that I’m not going to do put myself through too much inconvenience to hang out with you.
Another tactic is disqualification: you have to say something at some point about how you can’t be with her. There are a lot of ways to go about this, but the point is to make her think that you aren’t some crazy robot obsessed with having her. You can pick any excuse: “oh you’re too young for me,” or “oh you like Lil Wayne, I don’t know if that works,” or anything like that. Obviously you can’t be too serious about it, but it pays to show that you can leave at any time.
Final point about the initial meeting: you need an “anchor.” An anchor is some fact, song, symbol, whatever that you and the girl have in common. Let’s say you guys both talked about world peace or the conflict or Syria at the party you met at. Great, that’s your anchor. Your anchor could also be a song you both got excited about or an inside joke, or whatever. It’s better if the anchor is something fun and whimsical rather than something serious – you don’t want to text the girl the next day and be like “hey let’s go get coffee and talk about how our grandmas are dying.” It’s also better to have multiple anchors. I’ll talk about why anchors are important later.
The first date
I’m not going to get into the details of when to text and all that, but I will say this: if you are trying to hang out with her and you can get any indication that she isn’t 100% excited to hang out with, do what I call a “pre-emptive rejection.” Here’s an example: I text a girl the day after I meet her and I talk about our anchor – if I don’t have an anchor I just ask her if she is hung over or if she had a fun night. We’re having a nice text conversation and then I ask her if she wants to have drinks with me Tuesday night. Suddenly no response – we might have a flake.
Ok, so she goes dark. A lot of guys in this situation would wait a couple days and text her again to hang out. Instead, I do a pre-emptive rejection – even though she never even agreed to hang out with me Tuesday or even responded, I text her back Monday saying “sorry buddy, I can’t make Tuesday. I might be available Friday – I’ll call you and let you know.” This sounds like an immature and stupid and irrational thing to do. Why would I tell her that I can’t hang out Tuesday if we never even agreed to hang out Tuesday. Well you have to realize that we’re not dealing with logic here – we’re dealing with deep-seated primal emotions. By preemptively rejecting her I suddenly go from “attractive guy she met at the bar who is trying to make her do things’ to “attractive guy that MIGHT be able to hang out Friday, or might not.” Think about which one is more appealing. What do I do next? I CALL her Friday and see what she’s doing. I’ve given her plenty of time to clear out her schedule so she better be available – if she doesn’t answer I move on. If she answers but sounds wishy washy I say “let’s not do it tonight – I’ll call you next week.” But usually this tactic works.
Let’s say I text her and I offer Tuesday and she says something like “I’m busy all week” but doesn’t give an alternative date. Or, in the same vein, we make plans for Tuesday but Tuesday she calls and cancels cuz something came up, but doesn’t give an alternative date. Once again, in this situation, most guys would text her one more time to hang out and then give up if she didn’t come through. Not me – I preemptively reject. This is how I preemptively reject: she says “I’m busy all week” – I respond “ok go make me some money” or “go get me some As.” Then, a few days later, or maybe even a week later, I text her with this text “Like an idiot I took on too many assignments at [work/school] and now I’m buried under work for the next 2 weeks L” Once again, this is totally irrational and childish thing to do – she rejected ME so why does she care that I’m busy? But once again, preemptive rejection works – I’ve changed the relationship dynamic from her being too good to hang out with me to me being too busy to hang out with her. I’ve mildly rejected her because I haven’t told her when we can hang out. Then, at some random time, I text her to hang out now that the relationship is on equal footing.
The art of flaking
If you have any suspicions/fears that the girl you are talking to is less interested than you are in her, you should try flaking. Just make sure you do it in a polite, civil way – if a girl gets any hint that you aren’t interested in her, don’t care about her, or are playing games, she will take her toys and go home because girls are very conscious of getting “hurt.” When you flake be apologetic (but not too apologetic), and don’t worry about scheduling another date (remember, the whole point of flaking is putting her on the defensive.). I would recommend flaking once every couple of dates just to keep from looking too desperate.
After the first date.
Ok say let’s say you’ve been dating and things have been going fine. But you’ve been to aggressive/needy/pushy and now she’s “busy” or she’s not as excited to hang out with you as she once was. What to do? Once again, pre-emptive rejection. After she flakes ONCE (remember, once is all you should tolerate), text her something like “Like an idiot I took on too many assignments at [work/school] and now I’m buried under work for the next 2 weeks L” or “I’m involved in this really cool art project, but I’m gonna be stuck in the studio for the next 2 weeks. I’m an idiot.” or something like that.
The next step is a “you’re just somebody that I know” text. This is a vicious weapon and can make almost any flaky girl un-flake. Do you know the song “Somebody I used to know” by Gotye? Well, listen to it: http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=gotye+somebody+i+used+to+know&sm=3. Girls love this song because its very sad: It talks about how two people have such a deep, close emotional connection but then they break up and now the other person is just “somebody they used to know.” How sad is that? But there is something even more sad than your romantic partner becoming “somebody you used to know.” It’s even sadder when your romantic partner becomes “somebody you know.” No big fireworks, no dramatic breakup, no nothing. They just become another person in your life with no special connection to you. If somebody flakes on me, they become just “somebody that I know.”
A “you’re just somebody that I know” text is when I send a random text talking about our anchor to a girl but don’t follow it up with an offer to hang out or anything. For example, I went out on 2 dates with a “dancer.” After the second one, she seemed really excited and wanted to hang out again. But when I offered a third date a few days later, she flaked. And then I offered one more date and she said she was working, but did not offer an alternative time. So what did I do? I went dark for a week, and then sent her my pre-emptive rejection “I’m going to be busy” text and I go dark for another 3 weeks. After 3 weeks, I send her this: “you’re just somebody that I know” text: “hey me and my friends went to your club the other night (a night she wasn’t working); it was kind of corny, I like (the other strip club) better! LOL.” And that’s it.
With those chess moves, I transformed myself from a guy that was too excited to be dating a stripper to a guy that has a lot of stuff going on in his life and can take it or leave it. After I sent her the “you’re just somebody that I know” text she immediately asked me to hang out again. What do I do? Agree, of course, and then flake! Of course. She flakes on me once I flake at least once. Flaking isn’t hard, everybody should try it. She took the power from me so I need to pry it back from her with ruthlessness. Every fiber in my body wants to hang out with her but I have to resist.
Now I can’t guarantee these methods will work for everybody or that they will always work – most of the time when a girl flakes it is because she’s just not into you. But this is for rescuing girls that on the precipice.
This is the first post in a 2 part series. The first talks about why women flake and the second posts talks about how to prevent it. I am open to suggestions for improvement. Everything is a rough draft.
Women flake for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t care about you or they don’t like you or they aren’t attracted to you. They might have given you their number because they wanted to be nice, or because they felt pressured into it, or because they just wanted the satisfaction of rejecting a guy that wanted to hang out with them, or because they wanted to just know that they still “had it.” I also think sometimes women get drunk and give out their number and wake up in the morning and regret their bad decisions.
2) They got freaked out/creeped out by your overbearingness and you seemed too aggressive and eager to hang out with them.
Please keep in mind that reasons #1 and #2 are completely different reasons. A lot of times a girl will flake for a combination of both reasons, but sometimes there will be no #1 (i.e., she will totally be into a guy) but still flake because of #2. Sometimes there will be no #2 (the guy plays it completely cool) but she flakes anyway because she doesn’t give a fuck and she’s a bitch (i.e.., reason #1).
If you got flaked on because of reason #1, there isn’t much I can do to help you. Next time, make sure you build more attraction, do a better job of selling yourself, be more alpha, etc… But if you get a #1 girl, there isn’t much you can say to her over text that is going to bring her back.
This post is mostly going to be about reason #2.
First let me say this: #2 is caused by a lot of reasons. Some girls just want a challenge and knowing that you are eager to hang out with them is enough to turn them off. Some girls may also think that if you are too convenient/available you must be a loser and not have much going on in your life. Others may be insecure and honestly think that any guy that is interested in them must be a loser. Others may have built some image in their head of you that is broken when you call them and actually ask them to hang out.
But I think reason #2 has a root cause that is more powerful than any other cause and can help explain the other causes: It’s this:
Human beings have an instinctual, biological, primal desire for FREEDOM.
I don’t mean freedom in the political or spiritual sense, but purely in the physical sense. They don’t want anybody constraining their movement or telling them what to do and what not to do. They don’t want to be controlled, they don’t want to be bossed around, and they don’t want to be constrained in any way. This is purely an evolutionary emotion that comes about because the ape that had the most freedom was more likely to get the bananas and sex they wanted. If another ape was controlling you, that means you were less likely to be able to defend yourself, eat, fuck, etc… That’s why little kids never want to listen to their parents – its not because those kids are principled libertarians, but because they JUST DON’T WANT TO!!
Women flake because of reason #2 not because of some rational decision they make, but because you present yourself as wanting to control or constrain them, and that makes them freak out on a biological, primal level. It’s doubly strange because sometimes a woman will be totally attracted in you and want to hang out with you, but your overbearingness will repel her. She can’t help it; her body is screaming at her to RUN because you are going to try to control her and make her do things.
This happens to everybody. It happens a lot right when you meet somebody because they know nothing about you so they assume you may be some type of stalker or something, but it also happens to people in relationships. I’ve been in relationships where the girl texted/called me every day, and we had sex all the time, but then when I tried too hard to hang out with her suddenly she went dark. It happens to the best of us.
Now it may sound stupid, but asking somebody to go out with is asking to control them. You are asking them to be at a certain place at a certain time to do a certain thing. They have to pay attention, be nice, and listen to a bunch of bullshit. Worse yet, if you don’t put a time constraint on your date they may feel like they have to be there all night. Now of course, you are asking them to do something small and not a huge part of their day, so you are not really “controlling” them in any real way, but its enough to set off their biological panic button.
This is why sometimes you will be having a conversation with a girl over text and everything will seem to be going fine, until you actually ask her to meet you somewhere. Suddenly she goes dark. Why? She seemed into you a second ago. Well – she WAS into you, but you pushed her biological panic button that made her freak out about you carrying her off into the woods. On top of that, that question makes her re-think the entire conversation and makes her realize you were just feeding her some bullshit before you could ask her out.
This is actually a huge dilemma for girls – on one hand they know that if they want a decent man they have to go on dates, but on the other hand, they feel this irresistible urge to escape when the guy tries too hard to hang out with them.
Now here is the solution (I’ll flesh this out more in a different post): The weirdest part of this whole thing is that if you can somehow convince the girl that SHE wants to hang out with you more than YOU want to hang out with her, you’re golden. Because now if you ask her out you aren’t trying to make her do anything. Instead, you’re just telling her what she wants you to hear.
Now you may object: “Sorry you’re wrong; women like to be controlled and dominated; they want the alpha, etc…” True, women are attracted to an alpha and do want to be controlled and dominated, but here are 2 facts you have to take into consideration:
1) They don’t know you that well. A short conversation at a bar isn’t enough to entice the women to give up her life to you and follow you around town and do whatever you tell her to.
2) Women like to be around a dominant man, but on their own terms. They want the man to take control, but they don’t want to have to do anything they didn’t already plan on doing, and they definitely don’t want their own action to be constrained. That’s why women are attracted to rock stars – rock stars are in control, confident, and alpha – but they aren’t making the women DO anything. They can leave at any time and they know the rock star isn’t going to be upset or yell at them.
Imagine you’re at a party and the woman of your dreams is there (let’s say it’s Kate Upton, for example). Kate Upton walks up to you (“Oh my God I can’t believe Kate Upton is talking to me! This is awesome!”). Turns out she really likes me (“Holy shit I can’t believe this, Kate Upton is out of my league! Awesome!!”). Then she gets my number because she wants to go out to coffee (“Wow, this is awesome! Of course you can have my number!!”). Sounds awesome, right?
But now let’s say that after she gets your number Kate Upton keeps lingering all over you and following you everywhere. Shit, she even follows you to the bathroom. You still are excited that its Kate Upton but you start to feel a little creeped out. On the way out she looks you in the eyes and says “we BETTER hang out this week.” The first thing she does in the morning is text you to tell you how much fun she had. Then on Tuesday she asks you to coffee. Of course you want to go to coffee with Kate Upton, but unfortunately you have something planned. You think about giving her another time, but you figure that you’ll just figure it out later. She then texts you Wednesday. Then Thursday, twice. When you take too long to respond one night she texts you “hey what happened asshole!” Now she’s getting mad. No matter how hot you thought Kate Upton was, you would get a little freaked out. Something in your biology would tell you to get away from Kate Upton because you don’t want to end up in a body bag.
I know this sounds like a crazy hypothetical – but I’ve seen it happen! I’ve seen dudes that were totally fat and gross and never get laid that spent all day desperately trying to find a girl. And then one day a super hot girl will be into them and they get freaked out and run away. Why?? Its in your genes to feel threatened/stifled/worried about somebody who is too excited to hang out.
Now think about it: if a fat, ugly guy will turn down a hot girl because she is coming on too strong, think about how much more worried a hot, attractive girl will get when she says a guy who is bigger, stronger, and faster than her who really wants to fuck her and doesn’t seem to have anything else on his mind? Pretty scary – no matter how “attracted” she was to him she is going to have a biological reaction against him. It makes sense for girls – guys are powered by their dicks and a man’s dick is a ruthless, insane, monster that will stop at nothing to get what he wants, and will even rain death and destruction upon the heads of the innocent to get what it wants. To get a woman to not flake on you, you have to prove that you are not a dickbot – to learn how to do that, you are going to have to read part 2 of this series.
Ok, so you want to know some books to read. Here are my favorites:
Mark Manson – Models
This book is absolutely the best book on PUA/seduction right now. Basically, it’s about being honest with yourself and women. The PUA community has moved away from “outer game” (i.e., routines, lines, openers, etc…) in the last few years and more towards “inner game” (becoming a more confident, well-rounded person). I can’t recommend this book enough; you will immediately see an improvement in the way you feel about yourself and the way you interact with women. Here’s the link:
The Way of the Superior Man – David Deida
This is another book on “inner game,” and can help you cut through the underbrush and bullshit that our society has taught us about women and relationships. This is considered a classic in the PUA community, and rightly so, even though it is a few years old.
Here is a .pdf of it on the internet: http://smilyanov.net/download/pdfs/The%20Way%20of%20the%20Superior%20Man.pdf
And a link on Amazon.com: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1591792576/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1591792576&linkCode=as2&tag=todaystechdea-20
How to Win Friends and Influence People – Dale Carnegie
This book isn’t directed to PUA per se, but it is more a guide of how to get people to like you and how to influence them. This is considered a classic and is a bible for many businesspeople. For example, one of the lessons he teaches is that you should seek to make the other person feel important in all of your interactions. This is just a good book for life, much less, PUA.
The Game – Neil Strauss
This book is less a “how-to” guide than an autobiographical memoir describing Neil Strauss’s journey into the PUA world (he is a writer at Rolling Stone, New York Times, etc…). You don’t learn very many techniques here but I recommend it because it tells the story of some actual PUAs and what their lives are like. It’s also just an interesting, enjoyable read. It also highlights the point that I think we can all agree about, which is that spending your life chasing random poon is not healthy or fulfiling – the point of these techniques is to find the woman of your dreams.
Rules of the Game – Neil Strauss
This book is the how-to version of the previous book. Recommended just cuz the guy knows what he’s talking about.
Pimp – Iceberg Slim
Once again, not about PUA per se, but an interesting true-life autobiography of a guy that was a pimp in the 1920s. Gives an amazing view of how the dirty underbelly of the sex world and the type of things he had to do to keep his “pimp” status.
I’ll add more when I feel like it.
A lot of guys ask basically the same thing: so I see this girl around a lot that I like, and we talk sometimes, and I don’t know what to do, etc…
The answer is this: Ask her out on a date! Just do it you fucking pussy. Ask her out right away too – don’t wait until you “know” her or until she’s “attracted.” She can get to know you on the date. And make sure you make it clear that you’re asking her out on a “date” so she doesn’t think it might be something else.
For some reason guys in our society have this fear of asking girls out on dates. They think its better to start hanging out with her, getting the girl “attracted” to them, and then making a move. That’s completely wrong. Sometimes girls are looking for a friend, sometimes they are looking for a guy to fuck. If you hold yourself out as a friend, and then you one day change into somebody that wants to fuck them you are a liar, a creep, and a shitty friend, because now the girl knows that all the nice shit you did for her wasn’t really nice, it was just for her pussy.
Here are the main reasons guys are afraid to ask girls out on dates:
1) I don’t want to look creepy, obsessive, overbearing, etc…
I think the main reason guys don’t ask girls out on dates right away is cuz they don’t want to look creepy/etc… But asking a girl out on a date isn’t creepy at all – the reason most guys sound creepy and overbearing when they come on to girls is because they are letting their dick do the talking so their body language/tone/demeanor gives it away that they just want to fuck and won’t take no for an answer, and that scares the shit out of girls. They also don’t know when to walk away when she says no. But if you confidently ask a girl out on a date with no fucks given, and then just walk away if she says no, there is no reason for them to think you are creepy/obsessive/etc…
Imagine you asked out the worst girl in the world – a true, complete bitch that just loved to stomp on men’s hearts. If you asked her on a date and she said no, what mean things could she say about you later to her friends? “He asked me on a date and I said no.” That’s it – and that doesn’t sound bad at all and she would even look like a bitch for trying to make fun of you for it. Usually when girls make fun of guys that came onto them, its because the guy said something stupid, or acted creepy, or tried to fuck them, etc…
2) I don’t want to look interested.
Asking a girl out on a date doesn’t mean that you’re interested – it means that you MIGHT be interested, which is exactly the vibe you want to give off. If you ask a girl out on a date very nonchalantly in a regular tone of voice like you were talking to a regular person the girl is going to want to assume that you like her, but part of her brain also has to admit that you are really just a confident guy that ask girls out on dates. Girls go out on dates with guys all the time they are not “ interested” in – to girls a date is just an interview for possible further interest. Girls reject guys all the time that act too “interested” but that’s only because the guy gave it away that he was “emotionally” interested in her (and therefore liable to act creepy and pathetic) – but if you can play it cool and just act normal she won’t feel like she has that power over you.
3) They are afraid of rejection
Sorry, but you’ll have to deal with it. Life is about rejection. Its better to get rejected early on than to invest a bunch of time into her and then get rejected.
Guys want to become “friends” because its harder to reject a “friend” – but its also a lot easier to treat a “friend” like shit than a lover. If a guy is just your “friend” you don’t have to hang out with him every time he calls, or even answer his calls, or worry about not fucking other people.
4) That’s not how it works in the movies.
First of all, everything you learn about dating and relationships from movies and TV is wrong. It’s totally horseshit and if you actually did that in real life you’d get friendzoned at best and arrested at worst.
In the movies, the guy meets the beautiful girl at the beginning and they hate each other at first (and the girl is usually dating somebody else), but then through a series of misadventures they get to know each other and then they start to “fall” for one another. Then when they are fully in love the guy confesses his love to the girl and she admits that she loves him too! Then they live happily ever after.
Ehhhh – wrong! If you did that shit in real life the girl would yell “what the fuck? I thought you were my friend” and leave you alone feeling like an idiot. In real life girls want you to ask them out the first day, not after months of misadventures.
5) The girl isn’t going to say yes unless we know each other somewhat.
This is true; attraction for girls is somewhat different than attraction for guys – they need to know that you are an intelligent person with a stable personality, shared interests, etc… But honestly that “get to know” period is very short… minutes. Prove to her you can put together a sentence, that you’re not a rapist, and then ask her out on a date. She also has to know from the moment you meet her that you are interested in her romantically. Girls can tell if they’re gonna fuck/date a guy from the 5 minutes they meet him.
6) It’ll make things “weird” between us
It is true that most times when guys ask girls out on dates shit gets weird between them. The reason is that most guys wait till they are already “friends” to ask the girl out so when your “friend” asks you on a date its fucking weird and now you can’t be friends anymore. Another reason shit gets weird is that the man waits till he is in “love” with her (i.e., has oneitis) so if she says no the guy starts to act angry and sad and can’t act normal around her anymore. But if you ask a girl on a date and then just walk off when she says no, there is nothing “weird” about it.
An interaction isn’t awkward unless you let it be awkward. After you get rejected, just be nice to her and treat her like a normal person. She didn’t want to date you. Fine, that’s her choice. No reason to get mad or sad. Be nice to her and all the weirdness disappears. In fact, if you act nice and normal to a girl who rejected you she is going to start thinking about you because of how rare it is. It’s going to boggle her mind because on one hand you’re acting uninterested but on the other hand you asked her out, which is usually a sign of interest. She may not have been interested in you before, but now she is.
7) She doesn’t “date”
I’ve seen so many bullshit excuses for not asking girls out on a date. If a girl says she doesn’t “date” she really means “I don’t date you.” If you express interest in hanging and she doesn’t “date” she’ll offer up something else, or else she’s not interested in you.
One guy here even said that people in college don’t “date.” Fuck that. If people around you aren’t dating be the guy with the balls to ask people out on dates. You will stand out and people will respect you. Even if people don’t go out on dates at least you are expressing your interest which is more that can be said for most people.
What if a girl says she doesn’t “date”? Well I would walk away in disgust. Fuck that. It’s 2013 – how else is she going to meet a guy
8) “But I see people all the time that started fucking after just ‘hanging out’”
Yes it is true that you can become a girl’s “friend” or “just hang out” and then start fucking her. Completely possible. But the only reason for that is that most guys are chumps and don’t know shit about game so the girl is forced to fuck one of these chumps. The one guy who has the balls to ask her on a date is on another level. Also, why do you want to roll the dice and hope that you’re one of these guys?
There are a lot of hot girls that are constantly getting approached and asked out by guys. They also know that all their guy friends are interested in them. Also, they aren’t interested in any of these guys because they all check their alphaness at the door when talking to her. So, to minimize the hassle of dating, these girls just start fucking the closest guy they see to them, sometimes at random. Do you want to be that guy? Do you want to roll the dice and hope that all of your friendshipping is going to lead somewhere?
9) I need to get to know “her” and I don’t want to hurt her if I don’t like her.
I actually saw a guy on askseddit post this yesterday. Give me a fucking break. If you want to get to know a girl, what better way than going on a DATE??? You have her all alone and can ask her whatever questions you want. Also, don’t worry about hurting her – that’s part of dating. People get rejected all the time.
BTW, if you’re wondering what the answer is to the other 50% of the questions guys ask, its “she’s not interested in you, move on.” LOL
One of the most important and powerful skills a man must have is the art of losing interest. Basically, you have to be able to subtly look like you’re losing interest in a girl that is misbehaving. It’s a rare skill, but it is very important.
Let me explain:
Girls live in the real world about 80% of the time. They deal with their parents, their boss, customers, their teachers, etc… All of these people treat girls like they are real people and react to them like real people would. They get angry at them, they get bored at them, they get frustrated, they get offended.
However, when girls run into guys that are hitting on them, it is completely different. Men that are hitting on girls often turn into “dickbots” – a dickbot is just a guy who is so excited to be a talking to a girl, or so excited about getting laid, that he is letting his dick do the talking. Dickbots don’t care what the girl is saying – she could be acting like a complete fucking idiot or bitch, and they will continue to act interested, because they are thinking with their dick.
The problem is that girls know that they are talking to a dickbot, and its really unattractive. Girls KNOW when they are being boring, stupid, or offensive. The 80% of the people in their lives let them know that they’re being stupid, so if you act like she’s interesting/smart/nice when she’s not, she’ll know something is wrong. I even think that girls acting mildly bitchy, or uninteresting, or whatever is a mild shit test to see how the guy reacts. If the guy rolls over and pretends like she is saying some awesome shit, she will lose respect for him and see him as a supplicating loser. If, however, she calls her out on her shit, she will become more attracted. It is totally counterintuitive, but that’s what this blog is for. At best, the girl will think you’re just a corny, uninteresting loser if you are acting interested in her boring ass stories. At worst, the girl will realize that you are a creep that just wants to fuck her and she could be reading the phone book for all you care.
The key to not coming off as a dickbot (even though really are excited to be talking to this beautiful woman) is to perfect the art of losing interest. Basically, whenever a girl is being a bitch, or acting stupid, or being uninterested, or whatever, you have to subtly lose interest, with your body language. Girls are very adept at picking up on subtle body language clues and they will quickly get the message that they are not acting right. Its better to express your disinterest through body language than through words, because girls are very nonconfrontational and saying to a girl “you’re being boring” can hurt her feelings and create a tense situation that you don’t want to have to deal with. By sticking to body language you will continue to communicate to her on a subconscious level and not bring her logical thinking abilities (and defense mechanisms into it). Also, by sticking to body language you look like a really nice guy – you look like a guy who is understandably bored out of his mind, but is too polite to say anything mean.
Now, how can you subtly lose interest when the girl is being boring/uninteresting/stupid? Well, here are some of my favorite methods.
One time I was on a date with this really hot girl and it wasn’t going well. I didn’t feel like she was very into me and she was just blabbering on and on about some boring shit and not asking me anything about myself. As she was going on and on about some boring thing, I put my elbow on the table and my head in my hand like I was going to sleep. I immediately regretted what I did, because I thought I would look uninterested. But I quickly noticed she started to act more interested when I did that. I then realized that SHE KNEW SHE WAS BEING BORING. The fact that I started to act disinterested turned her on because it made me look like a real guy rather than one of these many pathetic losers that hold on to her every stupid word. Later in the date I tried this move again, and once again I saw her IOIs perked up.
Now, everything I said here is subject to a bunch of caveats. This is a very subtle method, and very easy to fuck up.
First of all, the secret to any handling any shit test is to just power through it. Either ignore that she said it, or defuse it with a joke, or something like that. It’s no different with a girl being boring. If a girl is saying something that is objectively boring, you should just ignore it or change the subject. This method is only for situations where you can’t do that, or the girl keeps continuing with the boring/bitchy talk.
Secondly, only lose interest when she KNOWS she is being boring or a bitch. If she is talking about her grandmother who just died and its clearly very important to her and you try to change the subject you’ll just look like an asshole.
Thirdly, there are some things that you have to verbally address. If she says something extremely rude and disrespectful to you (like, I hope your mother burns in hell), then a grimace is not enough. Or sometimes when a girl is in a really boring story, you can’t just pretend to fall asleep – you have to say something (very politely) like “can you just get to the good part please.”
Finally, and most importantly, you can’t look like you’re not listening to her. You see, one of the biggest challenges of being a girl is that people don’t listen to you when you talk and/or talk you seriously. Their dream is to find a man that will honestly listen to them. So even if she is being boring, you have to still look like you’re listening, just that its very hard. Like I said, losing interest only works when she knows she is being boring and when done very subtly.
All that said, this is a very powerful technique. It demonstrates that you are a high-value man that doesn’t have to sit through boring or rude behavior to get laid. Also, it affects a powerful psychological change in you as well – you feel more powerful and in control of the interaction. The conversation becomes less one sided and more even. It’s a great way to get power back.
Divide your life up into chapters. Usually when I hear sad sacks of shit whine about how much their life sucks, they’ll say something like “I’ve always been an introvert or I’ve always been in bad shape, etc…” One way to snap out of that is to pick some arbitrary point and make that a “new chapter” in your life. David Brooks of the New York Times did an informal survey of old people to determine what made people happy and/or sad, and he noticed that one of the differences between happy and sad people was that sad people saw their life as one unbroken thing and happy people saw their life as different “chapters.” What I like to do is pick some arbitrary date (my birthday, the New Year, coming back from a vacation, etc…) and I decide that on that day a new “chapter” in my life will start. I rearrange my apartment, redecorate, delete some negative people out of my phone, sacrifice a small animal, immerse myself in holy water, and then start a afresh!
Engage in “practices.” Basing his work on Aristotle, the philosopher Alasdair Macintyre basically has said that the key to happiness is engaging in “practices.” A practice is basically an activity with standards of success that you can get better at. Basketball and chess, (or even PUA), are practices. Watching TV and masturbating are not practices. Success in practices boosts your confidence because you overcame some challenges and also because now you have some skills you previously didn’t have. True happiness is when you engage in a practice for its internal reward (i.e., those specific to the practice) rather than external rewards (fame, money, etc…). Basically, getting immersed in a practice teaches you to become outcome independent.
Meditate – When I say meditate, I don’t necessarily mean Buddhist meditation. By “meditate” I mean engage in some kind of activity (preferably a practice) that requires all of your thoughts and emotions and forces you to completely focus on one thing. It’s hard to find anything truly meditative, but once you do it, you feel great because it flushes out all the other worries and anxieties you have and makes you feel like you have purpose and confidence. If you’re ever in the pits of oneitis (or any kind of depression), meditation is basically your only way out.
Do something creative. Creativity is a great release for your emotions and girls love guys that do anything artistic (as long as you don’t become a pretentious douche about it). The main reason I would guess that people don’t do something creative, even though everybody wants to, is that they are afraid they will suck. Well, who cares? You are doing it for yourself – not for anybody else. Just as your supposed to be outcome independent with girls, be outcome independent with your art. Just work on it by yourself and don’t show anybody until you are proud of it. I’m a lawyer who also does art on the side and I can honestly tell you that girls are much more interested in my art than my job (and most of them end up never even seeing my art anyway unless we get very close). Also, please keep in mind that art is more about hard work than talent. Most of you guys are dudes in your early 20s. Think about it: if you spent a few hours a week working on your art after 3-4 years you will be legitimately good!
Put one foot in front of the other. Here is my problem with self improvement and it probably applies to a lot of other people: I see a movie or read a thing on the internet that gets me motivated and pumped to do something and then when I actually start doing it I run into a snag or I realize its harder than I thought it would be and I lose my momentum. The solution to this issue is to just take each step at a time and realize its going to be a long process. Here is where outcome independence comes into play again – you can’t see a bodybuilder in a magazine or a famous guitarist and expect to become like them overnight. Everybody has different challenges and a different timeline. Don’t freak yourself out if you’re not on “pace” to meet your goals: remember: everybody is different and you can’t make it to the top of the mountain without going over every rock. One of the nice things about self improvement is that there are no requirements to achieve anything by any date, so you can do it all on your own pace.
Practice being nice to random people. In fact, I would suggest this: randomly message 5 girls you know on facebook and just say something nice: “Hey I haven’t talked to you in a while. Just saying hi! Hope everything is well for you!” No ulterior motive, no weirdness, just a nice introduction. Also, resist the temptation to ask them to hang out if they respond. This is just to build your confidence as a genuinely NICE PERSON. There is nothing more irresistible to women than a guy who is just seriously honestly nice with no ulterior motives whatsoever. 99% of “nice guys” are not like that at all – everybody can tell that they want something.
Read some books on spirituality. I know reddit hates religion/spirituality, but the world is a crazy fucked up place and by engaging in PUA you’re going to be putting your emotions (BTW, the strongest emotions human beings have) through the ringer. You need some kind of spirituality to ground yourself, be it meditation, prayer, or just philosophical contemplation. Also, you need to have some spiritual knowledge because that is a great topic to discuss with girls.
Get interested in some particular aspect of art or literature. For example, 19th century Russian literature is fucking amazing and I would recommend it to anybody. I have personally found that focusing on one particular era is more satisfying and enriching than reading a bunch of random shit from all over the place. Also, I know this sounds douchey and pretentious, but it is more impressive to girls to know about one particular thing in depth rather than a bunch of random shit in a shallow way. There is nothing more embarrassing than bringing up Shakespeare in a conversation and then running out of shit to say about him.