This is the first post in a 2 part series. The first talks about why women flake and the second posts talks about how to prevent it. I am open to suggestions for improvement. Everything is a rough draft.
Women flake for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t care about you or they don’t like you or they aren’t attracted to you. They might have given you their number because they wanted to be nice, or because they felt pressured into it, or because they just wanted the satisfaction of rejecting a guy that wanted to hang out with them, or because they wanted to just know that they still “had it.” I also think sometimes women get drunk and give out their number and wake up in the morning and regret their bad decisions.
2) They got freaked out/creeped out by your overbearingness and you seemed too aggressive and eager to hang out with them.
Please keep in mind that reasons #1 and #2 are completely different reasons. A lot of times a girl will flake for a combination of both reasons, but sometimes there will be no #1 (i.e., she will totally be into a guy) but still flake because of #2. Sometimes there will be no #2 (the guy plays it completely cool) but she flakes anyway because she doesn’t give a fuck and she’s a bitch (i.e.., reason #1).
If you got flaked on because of reason #1, there isn’t much I can do to help you. Next time, make sure you build more attraction, do a better job of selling yourself, be more alpha, etc… But if you get a #1 girl, there isn’t much you can say to her over text that is going to bring her back.
This post is mostly going to be about reason #2.
First let me say this: #2 is caused by a lot of reasons. Some girls just want a challenge and knowing that you are eager to hang out with them is enough to turn them off. Some girls may also think that if you are too convenient/available you must be a loser and not have much going on in your life. Others may be insecure and honestly think that any guy that is interested in them must be a loser. Others may have built some image in their head of you that is broken when you call them and actually ask them to hang out.
But I think reason #2 has a root cause that is more powerful than any other cause and can help explain the other causes: It’s this:
Human beings have an instinctual, biological, primal desire for FREEDOM.
I don’t mean freedom in the political or spiritual sense, but purely in the physical sense. They don’t want anybody constraining their movement or telling them what to do and what not to do. They don’t want to be controlled, they don’t want to be bossed around, and they don’t want to be constrained in any way. This is purely an evolutionary emotion that comes about because the ape that had the most freedom was more likely to get the bananas and sex they wanted. If another ape was controlling you, that means you were less likely to be able to defend yourself, eat, fuck, etc… That’s why little kids never want to listen to their parents – its not because those kids are principled libertarians, but because they JUST DON’T WANT TO!!
Women flake because of reason #2 not because of some rational decision they make, but because you present yourself as wanting to control or constrain them, and that makes them freak out on a biological, primal level. It’s doubly strange because sometimes a woman will be totally attracted in you and want to hang out with you, but your overbearingness will repel her. She can’t help it; her body is screaming at her to RUN because you are going to try to control her and make her do things.
This happens to everybody. It happens a lot right when you meet somebody because they know nothing about you so they assume you may be some type of stalker or something, but it also happens to people in relationships. I’ve been in relationships where the girl texted/called me every day, and we had sex all the time, but then when I tried too hard to hang out with her suddenly she went dark. It happens to the best of us.
Now it may sound stupid, but asking somebody to go out with is asking to control them. You are asking them to be at a certain place at a certain time to do a certain thing. They have to pay attention, be nice, and listen to a bunch of bullshit. Worse yet, if you don’t put a time constraint on your date they may feel like they have to be there all night. Now of course, you are asking them to do something small and not a huge part of their day, so you are not really “controlling” them in any real way, but its enough to set off their biological panic button.
This is why sometimes you will be having a conversation with a girl over text and everything will seem to be going fine, until you actually ask her to meet you somewhere. Suddenly she goes dark. Why? She seemed into you a second ago. Well – she WAS into you, but you pushed her biological panic button that made her freak out about you carrying her off into the woods. On top of that, that question makes her re-think the entire conversation and makes her realize you were just feeding her some bullshit before you could ask her out.
This is actually a huge dilemma for girls – on one hand they know that if they want a decent man they have to go on dates, but on the other hand, they feel this irresistible urge to escape when the guy tries too hard to hang out with them.
Now here is the solution (I’ll flesh this out more in a different post): The weirdest part of this whole thing is that if you can somehow convince the girl that SHE wants to hang out with you more than YOU want to hang out with her, you’re golden. Because now if you ask her out you aren’t trying to make her do anything. Instead, you’re just telling her what she wants you to hear.
Now you may object: “Sorry you’re wrong; women like to be controlled and dominated; they want the alpha, etc…” True, women are attracted to an alpha and do want to be controlled and dominated, but here are 2 facts you have to take into consideration:
1) They don’t know you that well. A short conversation at a bar isn’t enough to entice the women to give up her life to you and follow you around town and do whatever you tell her to.
2) Women like to be around a dominant man, but on their own terms. They want the man to take control, but they don’t want to have to do anything they didn’t already plan on doing, and they definitely don’t want their own action to be constrained. That’s why women are attracted to rock stars – rock stars are in control, confident, and alpha – but they aren’t making the women DO anything. They can leave at any time and they know the rock star isn’t going to be upset or yell at them.
Imagine you’re at a party and the woman of your dreams is there (let’s say it’s Kate Upton, for example). Kate Upton walks up to you (“Oh my God I can’t believe Kate Upton is talking to me! This is awesome!”). Turns out she really likes me (“Holy shit I can’t believe this, Kate Upton is out of my league! Awesome!!”). Then she gets my number because she wants to go out to coffee (“Wow, this is awesome! Of course you can have my number!!”). Sounds awesome, right?
But now let’s say that after she gets your number Kate Upton keeps lingering all over you and following you everywhere. Shit, she even follows you to the bathroom. You still are excited that its Kate Upton but you start to feel a little creeped out. On the way out she looks you in the eyes and says “we BETTER hang out this week.” The first thing she does in the morning is text you to tell you how much fun she had. Then on Tuesday she asks you to coffee. Of course you want to go to coffee with Kate Upton, but unfortunately you have something planned. You think about giving her another time, but you figure that you’ll just figure it out later. She then texts you Wednesday. Then Thursday, twice. When you take too long to respond one night she texts you “hey what happened asshole!” Now she’s getting mad. No matter how hot you thought Kate Upton was, you would get a little freaked out. Something in your biology would tell you to get away from Kate Upton because you don’t want to end up in a body bag.
I know this sounds like a crazy hypothetical – but I’ve seen it happen! I’ve seen dudes that were totally fat and gross and never get laid that spent all day desperately trying to find a girl. And then one day a super hot girl will be into them and they get freaked out and run away. Why?? Its in your genes to feel threatened/stifled/worried about somebody who is too excited to hang out.
Now think about it: if a fat, ugly guy will turn down a hot girl because she is coming on too strong, think about how much more worried a hot, attractive girl will get when she says a guy who is bigger, stronger, and faster than her who really wants to fuck her and doesn’t seem to have anything else on his mind? Pretty scary – no matter how “attracted” she was to him she is going to have a biological reaction against him. It makes sense for girls – guys are powered by their dicks and a man’s dick is a ruthless, insane, monster that will stop at nothing to get what he wants, and will even rain death and destruction upon the heads of the innocent to get what it wants. To get a woman to not flake on you, you have to prove that you are not a dickbot – to learn how to do that, you are going to have to read part 2 of this series.