How to prevent and deal with flaking.
If you read part 1 of this series, you would have learned why women flake. Basically, it boils down to the fact that human beings have a strong biological tendency to resist anybody controlling them or telling them what to do or constraining their action. And, silly as it sounds, asking a woman to go on a date with you is subtly asking if you can control her, at least for a few hours. Even if the woman is super attracted to you, her primal instincts freak out when she senses that a guy she doesn’t know is trying to make her do things.
So what’s the solution?
Well, you obviously have to show that you are interested in hanging out with her, but also at the same time that you have no desire to make her do anything and that if she totally flaked it would be totally cool with you. It’s a weird tightrope to walk, but it must be done.
The initial meeting
During the initial meeting, keep talking about how you have to leave. This is known as the “false time constraint” and it works for a reason. It immediately takes you out of “serial killer/rapist/stalker” territory and puts you back in “normal dude who has shit going on in his life” territory. You have to realize that no matter how awesome of a life you lead and how cool of a guy who you are, if all you do to a woman is follow/approach/linger she is going to judge you as s that. A false time constraint subtly sends the message that you need me more than I need you and that I’m not going to do put myself through too much inconvenience to hang out with you.
Another tactic is disqualification: you have to say something at some point about how you can’t be with her. There are a lot of ways to go about this, but the point is to make her think that you aren’t some crazy robot obsessed with having her. You can pick any excuse: “oh you’re too young for me,” or “oh you like Lil Wayne, I don’t know if that works,” or anything like that. Obviously you can’t be too serious about it, but it pays to show that you can leave at any time.
Final point about the initial meeting: you need an “anchor.” An anchor is some fact, song, symbol, whatever that you and the girl have in common. Let’s say you guys both talked about world peace or the conflict or Syria at the party you met at. Great, that’s your anchor. Your anchor could also be a song you both got excited about or an inside joke, or whatever. It’s better if the anchor is something fun and whimsical rather than something serious – you don’t want to text the girl the next day and be like “hey let’s go get coffee and talk about how our grandmas are dying.” It’s also better to have multiple anchors. I’ll talk about why anchors are important later.
The first date
I’m not going to get into the details of when to text and all that, but I will say this: if you are trying to hang out with her and you can get any indication that she isn’t 100% excited to hang out with, do what I call a “pre-emptive rejection.” Here’s an example: I text a girl the day after I meet her and I talk about our anchor – if I don’t have an anchor I just ask her if she is hung over or if she had a fun night. We’re having a nice text conversation and then I ask her if she wants to have drinks with me Tuesday night. Suddenly no response – we might have a flake.
Ok, so she goes dark. A lot of guys in this situation would wait a couple days and text her again to hang out. Instead, I do a pre-emptive rejection – even though she never even agreed to hang out with me Tuesday or even responded, I text her back Monday saying “sorry buddy, I can’t make Tuesday. I might be available Friday – I’ll call you and let you know.” This sounds like an immature and stupid and irrational thing to do. Why would I tell her that I can’t hang out Tuesday if we never even agreed to hang out Tuesday. Well you have to realize that we’re not dealing with logic here – we’re dealing with deep-seated primal emotions. By preemptively rejecting her I suddenly go from “attractive guy she met at the bar who is trying to make her do things’ to “attractive guy that MIGHT be able to hang out Friday, or might not.” Think about which one is more appealing. What do I do next? I CALL her Friday and see what she’s doing. I’ve given her plenty of time to clear out her schedule so she better be available – if she doesn’t answer I move on. If she answers but sounds wishy washy I say “let’s not do it tonight – I’ll call you next week.” But usually this tactic works.
Let’s say I text her and I offer Tuesday and she says something like “I’m busy all week” but doesn’t give an alternative date. Or, in the same vein, we make plans for Tuesday but Tuesday she calls and cancels cuz something came up, but doesn’t give an alternative date. Once again, in this situation, most guys would text her one more time to hang out and then give up if she didn’t come through. Not me – I preemptively reject. This is how I preemptively reject: she says “I’m busy all week” – I respond “ok go make me some money” or “go get me some As.” Then, a few days later, or maybe even a week later, I text her with this text “Like an idiot I took on too many assignments at [work/school] and now I’m buried under work for the next 2 weeks L” Once again, this is totally irrational and childish thing to do – she rejected ME so why does she care that I’m busy? But once again, preemptive rejection works – I’ve changed the relationship dynamic from her being too good to hang out with me to me being too busy to hang out with her. I’ve mildly rejected her because I haven’t told her when we can hang out. Then, at some random time, I text her to hang out now that the relationship is on equal footing.
The art of flaking
If you have any suspicions/fears that the girl you are talking to is less interested than you are in her, you should try flaking. Just make sure you do it in a polite, civil way – if a girl gets any hint that you aren’t interested in her, don’t care about her, or are playing games, she will take her toys and go home because girls are very conscious of getting “hurt.” When you flake be apologetic (but not too apologetic), and don’t worry about scheduling another date (remember, the whole point of flaking is putting her on the defensive.). I would recommend flaking once every couple of dates just to keep from looking too desperate.
After the first date.
Ok say let’s say you’ve been dating and things have been going fine. But you’ve been to aggressive/needy/pushy and now she’s “busy” or she’s not as excited to hang out with you as she once was. What to do? Once again, pre-emptive rejection. After she flakes ONCE (remember, once is all you should tolerate), text her something like “Like an idiot I took on too many assignments at [work/school] and now I’m buried under work for the next 2 weeks L” or “I’m involved in this really cool art project, but I’m gonna be stuck in the studio for the next 2 weeks. I’m an idiot.” or something like that.
The next step is a “you’re just somebody that I know” text. This is a vicious weapon and can make almost any flaky girl un-flake. Do you know the song “Somebody I used to know” by Gotye? Well, listen to it: http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=gotye+somebody+i+used+to+know&sm=3. Girls love this song because its very sad: It talks about how two people have such a deep, close emotional connection but then they break up and now the other person is just “somebody they used to know.” How sad is that? But there is something even more sad than your romantic partner becoming “somebody you used to know.” It’s even sadder when your romantic partner becomes “somebody you know.” No big fireworks, no dramatic breakup, no nothing. They just become another person in your life with no special connection to you. If somebody flakes on me, they become just “somebody that I know.”
A “you’re just somebody that I know” text is when I send a random text talking about our anchor to a girl but don’t follow it up with an offer to hang out or anything. For example, I went out on 2 dates with a “dancer.” After the second one, she seemed really excited and wanted to hang out again. But when I offered a third date a few days later, she flaked. And then I offered one more date and she said she was working, but did not offer an alternative time. So what did I do? I went dark for a week, and then sent her my pre-emptive rejection “I’m going to be busy” text and I go dark for another 3 weeks. After 3 weeks, I send her this: “you’re just somebody that I know” text: “hey me and my friends went to your club the other night (a night she wasn’t working); it was kind of corny, I like (the other strip club) better! LOL.” And that’s it.
With those chess moves, I transformed myself from a guy that was too excited to be dating a stripper to a guy that has a lot of stuff going on in his life and can take it or leave it. After I sent her the “you’re just somebody that I know” text she immediately asked me to hang out again. What do I do? Agree, of course, and then flake! Of course. She flakes on me once I flake at least once. Flaking isn’t hard, everybody should try it. She took the power from me so I need to pry it back from her with ruthlessness. Every fiber in my body wants to hang out with her but I have to resist.
Now I can’t guarantee these methods will work for everybody or that they will always work – most of the time when a girl flakes it is because she’s just not into you. But this is for rescuing girls that on the precipice.