Some self-improvement tips

Divide your life up into chapters.  Usually when I hear sad sacks of shit whine about how much their life sucks, they’ll say something like “I’ve always been an introvert or I’ve always been in bad shape, etc…”  One way to snap out of that is to pick some arbitrary point and make that a “new chapter” in your life.  David Brooks of the New York Times did an informal survey of old people to determine what made people happy and/or sad, and he noticed that one of the differences between happy and sad people was that sad people saw their life as one unbroken thing and happy people saw their life as different “chapters.”  What I like to do is pick some arbitrary date (my birthday, the New Year, coming back from a vacation, etc…) and I decide that on that day a new “chapter” in my life will start.  I rearrange my apartment, redecorate, delete some negative people out of my phone, sacrifice a small animal, immerse myself in holy water, and then start a afresh!

Engage in “practices.”  Basing his work on Aristotle, the philosopher Alasdair Macintyre basically has said that the key to happiness is engaging in “practices.”  A practice is basically an activity with standards of success that you can get better at.  Basketball and chess, (or even PUA), are practices.  Watching TV and masturbating are not practices.  Success in practices boosts your confidence because you overcame some challenges and also because now you have some skills you previously didn’t have.  True happiness is when you engage in a practice for its internal reward (i.e., those specific to the practice) rather than external rewards (fame, money, etc…).  Basically, getting immersed in a practice teaches you to become outcome independent.

Meditate – When I say meditate, I don’t necessarily mean Buddhist meditation.  By “meditate” I mean engage in some kind of activity (preferably a practice) that requires all of your thoughts and emotions and forces you to completely focus on one thing.  It’s hard to find anything truly meditative, but once you do it, you feel great because it flushes out all the other worries and anxieties you have and makes you feel like you have purpose and confidence.  If you’re ever in the pits of oneitis (or any kind of depression), meditation is basically your only way out.

Do something creative.  Creativity is a great release for your emotions and girls love guys that do anything artistic (as long as you don’t become a pretentious douche about it).  The main reason I would guess that people don’t do something creative, even though everybody wants to, is that they are afraid they will suck.  Well, who cares?  You are doing it for yourself – not for anybody else.  Just as your supposed to be outcome independent with  girls, be outcome independent with your art.  Just work on it by yourself and don’t show anybody until you are proud of it.  I’m a lawyer who also does art on the side and I can honestly tell you that girls are much more interested in my art than my job (and most of them end up never even seeing my art anyway unless we get very close).  Also, please keep in mind that art is more about hard work than talent.  Most of you guys are dudes in your early 20s.  Think about it: if you spent a few hours a week working on your art after 3-4 years you will be legitimately good!

Put one foot in front of the other.  Here is my problem with self improvement and it probably applies to a lot of other people: I see a movie or read a thing on the internet that gets me motivated and pumped to do something and then when I actually start doing it I run into a snag or I realize its harder than I thought it would be and I lose my momentum.  The solution to this issue is to just take each step at a time and realize its going to be a long process.  Here is where outcome independence comes into play again – you can’t see a bodybuilder in a magazine or a famous guitarist and expect to become like them overnight.  Everybody has different challenges and a different timeline.  Don’t freak yourself out if you’re not on “pace” to meet your goals: remember: everybody is different and you can’t make it to the top of the mountain without going over every rock. One of the nice things about self improvement is that there are no requirements to achieve anything by any date, so you can do it all on your own pace.

Practice being nice to random people.  In fact, I would suggest this: randomly message 5 girls you know on facebook and just say something nice: “Hey I haven’t talked to you in a while.  Just saying hi!  Hope everything is well for you!”  No ulterior motive, no weirdness, just a nice introduction.  Also, resist the temptation to ask them to hang out if they respond.  This is just to build your confidence as a genuinely NICE PERSON.  There is nothing more irresistible to women than a guy who is just seriously honestly nice with no ulterior motives whatsoever.  99% of “nice guys” are not like that at all – everybody can tell that they want something.

Read some books on spirituality. I know reddit hates religion/spirituality, but the world is a crazy fucked up place and by engaging in PUA you’re going to be putting your emotions (BTW, the strongest emotions human beings have) through the ringer.  You need some kind of spirituality to ground yourself, be it meditation, prayer, or just philosophical contemplation.  Also, you need to have some spiritual knowledge because that is a great topic to discuss with girls.

Get interested in some particular aspect of art or literature.  For example, 19th century Russian literature is fucking amazing and I would recommend it to anybody.  I have personally found that focusing on one particular era is more satisfying and enriching than reading a bunch of random shit from all over the place.  Also, I know this sounds douchey and pretentious, but it is more impressive to girls to know about one particular thing in depth rather than a bunch of random shit in a shallow way.  There is nothing more embarrassing than bringing up Shakespeare in a conversation and then running out of shit to say about him.

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The Emotion Behind the Words

Anytime anybody says a sentence, the sentence has two meanings: the literal meaning of the words, and the “emotion” behind those words. Here is an obvious example: If you and I are at an art gallery and you catch me staring away at something, you might ask “what are you looking at?” The literal meaning of those words is “what are you looking at” and the emotion behind those words is “hey are you looking at some piece of art that I haven’t noticed yet”? But if you’re at a bar and some mean Italian guy looks at you and sneers “hey what are you looking at” the real emotion behind those words is “I’m going to fucking kick your ass if you keep looking at me.” Another example: we’re on a road trip and you nervously ask “hey does anybody need to stop to pee”? The literal meaning of those words is “hey I want to know if anybody wants to stop to pee” but the emotion behind those words is “I really need to pee and I need an excuse to stop.”

Ok, so people, and ESPECIALLY women, are very good at discerning the “emotion” behind your words. So you can say “hey how was your day” and they can immediately sense that you want to fuck them or that you will be a beta supplicator. How do they know this? Your tone of voice, your body language, your posture, etc… (I’ll call all these characteristics the X-factor). Most of it is subconscious so you can’t even tell that you’re coming off as a creep or desperate, but they can. An important thing to learn in PUA is that the EMOTION BEHIND THE WORDS is more important than the actual words themselves. You can spend all day talking with a girl about the dumbest shit and she’ll love it as long as the “emotion” behind the words is good.

So what to do? You want to convey to girls that you are confident, that you don’t need them, that you have extremely high standards, and that you are always looking for somebody better. This has to come out in your X-factor. If your X-factor is right, you can say shit to a girl that a regular could never say. If your X-factor is bad, even the most innocuous words come out like turds. The way to give off a good X-factor is as follows:

1) Be very confident and calm, like you were talking to your mom or your best friend.
2) Be playful and half-joking about everything, so that every sentence you say feels like you might mean it or you might not.
3) Make her feel like that you are talking to her but your mind is on something else.
4) When she talks about boring shit shift your body language so that it seems like you are almost bored or annoyed by her talking.
5) Good eye contact is important but look around the room every once in a while to let her know that she’s not the center of your universe.
6) Take a step away every once in a while to make her feel like you might just walk away or that you feel like she is coming on to you too strong.
7) Smile, laugh, and be generally happy so she feels like you are talking to her because the conversation is fun, not because you like HER.
8) Listen to what she’s saying, but don’t listen too deeply, like every word she says is super valuable.

Here is an embarrassing confession: I learned one of my most important PUA lessons from a girl named Becky who was a huge slut. She was really hot, fucked tons of guys, and knew she could get basically any guy she wanted. She also learned to use these things to manipulate men. Her X-factor was bizarre – whenever she talked it was very fake and condescending, like she was talking to a little kid. Or you could say she sounded like one of those fake salespeople that is trying to come off as nice but you know in their heart they don’t give a fuck about you. If you saw her at a party she would walk up to a with a fake smile on her face, hug you, and say something almost patronizing like “hey buddy! how are you?” She called everybody “buddy,” which is a bizarre thing to say to a guy you want to fuck – but it worked. If you want a fuck a girl, you don’t care that she called you “buddy.” Similarly, if you’re a girl who wants to fuck a guy, you don’t care that he called you buddy. But when she called people “buddy” it gave the feeling that “Hey, I might be interested in you romantically – or maybe as just friends.” After the initial hug, she would cross her arms and take a step back, almost as if she didn’t want to get too close to you. Your brain starts fighting with itself because, on a logical level, your brain thinks “hey she is being very nice and telling me she likes me” but deep down in your heart you aren’t so sure because she is giving you the body language of somebody who is not interested. It’s a sad fact of human psychology, but this type of uncertainty drives people wild. The brain keeps thinking about what’s happening, going through the possibilities, and trying to figure it out. Meanwhile, her mind and increasingly her emotions are focused on you.

I’ve noticed this “fake”, plastic demeanor works with a lot of girls because it keeps them guessing. One on hand, you are being nice and saying the right things, but on the other hand the girl can feel like you may not actually give a shit about her. If you make it clear that you’re not interested in somebody (like if you verbally say “I’m not interested in you” or just walk away), they move on because they don’t want to be hurt or humiliated. But if you make it clear that you ARE interested in somebody, then they get tired of you because you’ve already been conquered. But if you can keep them in that middle zone you are golden. And Becky’s demeanor was perfect for that – her words were nice but her demeanor made you doubt. I would analogize her demeanor to a famous pop star or rapper like Jay Z trying really hard to be nice to one of her fans (an especially pathetic fan, like a little kid or something), or the host of a party greeting his guests in a way that’s polite but that shows that the host clearly has other shit to attend to.

Most guys are the opposite (especially PUA guys) are the opposite. They will try to talk and sound like they don’t care about the girl or that they’re “alpha” or whatever, but the girl can tell that they do care, so the guy comes off as a fake, angry, beta. Its the worst of both worlds – the guy is being an asshole and ignoring her but he also doesn’t make her feel that “alpha” vibe because she knows he is obsessed with her and thinking about her. On the other hand, if you see a TRUE PLAYER, you will notice that he is extremely nice (sometimes overly nice), smiling, happy, etc… But you always get the feeling that he might just up and leave the girl at any moment and go do something else. If you’re at a party with a true player a lot of times you can’t even tell what girl he is into until he tells you.

Here’s an example from my own life. Last week some girl I used to date, but started ignoring, called me. We talked for a while and at the end of it she just admitted that “I called you cuz I wanted some attention.” Of course this is what some people might call a “shit test.” My response? I said in a playful way “you can call me anytime you want for attention.” Of course, if I actually meant this, that would be horrible. I would be admitting that I was firmly in the friendzone and I would sound like a beta dork that would bend over and give this girl attention whenever she wanted. But because I said it in a playful, condescending, “I’m just trying to be nice to you” way, she didn’t know whether I was actually available to give her attention whenever she wanted. We talked for another minute after this comment and then I told her I had to go to the gym. So I said a massively beta thing – but with the right X-factor. Result? This weekend she called me at 3 morning, wasted, asking if she could come to my house for some “attention.”

Don’t “scold” women!

As you deal with girls, it is common for girls to flake, do mildlly disrespectful things, or to try to take advantage of men. One mistake I see a lot of guys making, and one that I’ve been guilty of as well, is that we “scold” girls when they do things like this. We might make an “innocent” joke like “stop being so lame” to worse, such as outright berating them. I even see guys post on PUA forums stories of how they “told some girl off” as if it was something to be proud about.

Here is the point of this blog post: Don’t Scold Girls! Period! If a girl is truly being a flake and/or disrespectful, dump her, but don’t think that yelling/insulting/demeaning girls will get you anywhere. Instead, it will create a weird, negative vibe in the relationship and the girl will immediately become cautious and suspicious around you. Not to mention that it will make you look smaller and weaker in her eyes – I mean, how high could your status be if something SHE does could make you so upset? Also, imagine if you’re a pretty girl that is constantly meeting guys, giving out her number, and going on dates. Do you want to hang out with the guy who plays it cool and brushes off a little flakiness, or the guy that texts her “hey what happened to you!! Where did you go? Lame!!” Going on a date with somebody is a frustrating experience because you have to deal with the emotions of some person you barely now, the last thing you want to deal with is is somebody sensitive, or angry, or needy, etc… The key is to constantly stay positive!

This is a hard concept for guys to understand because men and women are wired different emotionally. Men learn from a young age that if somebody is fucking with you, you need to stand up to them and get them to stop. And likewise, that’s what men expect others to do. Women don’t learn that. Women don’t have the confidence, emotional desire, competitiveness, experience, or training to “stand up” to people that fuck with them. Either because of society and/or biology (I’m not going to get into that debate here) women are generally nonconfrontational and submissive. If somebody fucks with them they either try to take it or try to disappear. Think about the typical stand up comedy joke – when a guy does something wrong, instead of telling him, the woman will just put it in her memory bank and stew on it and then bring it up in some argument months later.

For that reason, if a woman does something “wrong” (flake, be disrespectful, etc…) and the man yells at her, she doesn’t think “oh shit I need to man up and get my shit right.” Instead she sulks, gets sad, and thinks the guy is an asshole. Even if the guy is right, she still FEELS like he is an asshole, which is what matters. It’s sad to say, but its a fucked up aspect of female psychology. Now, I’m not saying that being an asshole will end every relationship – it won’t – a lot of girls are so desperate and have such low self esteem they will stay with a guy that they think is being a jerk. But it won’t do you any favors.

In every relationship, the man is the “dominant” one, and when he yells at the woman, there is nothing for her to feel good about. When man A yells at man B, sometimes its good, because that causes man B to get his shit together and become a better man, maybe equalling or surpassing man A. But women will never become man A, so degrading/insulting at them is just pointless.

Here is an analogy. Let’s say you work for a guy we’ll call “Boss.” Boss owns the company, he is very rich, and your salary/livelihood/life is dependent on Boss. You are very worried about doing a good job and impressing Boss, because you know if you don’t, we could find somebody else. One day, you fuck up at work and the Boss comes in your office and says “Well, Jim, looks like you fucked up the account – you’re a real piece of shit.” How would you feel? Even if you knew he was right, and you knew you could do better, and you knew that, overall, Boss still liked you and wanted you to work there, him calling you a piece of shit would affect you deeply – because he had power over you. You would always remember that day and always kind of think your boss was an asshole.

So what should you do when a woman does something wrong? Well, its better to just tell her your feelings. Say something like “I was really looking forward to seeing you” or “I’m really disappointed you missed our dinner.” Women understand the language of “feelings” but they don’t understand the language of confrontation. You may think you sound like a bitch by saying those things, but in reality you are being honest and there is nothing the woman can fault you for. It puts the onus and pressure on her to act right not because she is afraid you will yell at her again, but because she is afraid she will lose you to a woman who will treat her better – the same exact thought process that goes on in her head.

Guys, this is a lesson I learned the hard way. When a woman acts like a jerk, either cut her loose or have an honest conversation about your feelings (in the most positive way possible). But don’t “scold” her. Especially if she has no obligation to you.

What is an alpha male?

There is a lot of talk in the PUA/seduction community about being an “alpha male,” but the real question is this: what IS an alpha male?  I know a lot of people don’t like evolutionary biology, but I’m going to dig into that world for a little bit to gain some insight.

On an evolutionary level, women are attracted to the alpha male for the mere fact that he is the best specimen of the tribe to reproduce with and also the best candidate to take care of the baby.  He is the healthiest, the strongest, and the most likely to survive ape in the tribe.  The alpha male can beat the shit out of any other ape in the tribe (in fact, in ape colonies, that is why he is the alpha male) and is best at providing for the material needs and comfort for his partners (mostly because he can beat the shit out of the other apes and take their food).  In addition, the other apes bow down to the alpha male and obey him, and all the other women in the tribe want to have sex with him.  All of this is programmed into women’s DNA, so when they see a man with these traits in the human world their emotions buzz.

But let me explain to you the most important aspect of being an alpha male:

Apes and human beings (remember, we’re apes too) are naturally programmed to view our societies hierarchically.  In fact, studies have shown that in bonobo packs every ape has a “ranking” and if the number 7 ape disrespects the number 6 ape everybody in the tribe gets very upset. Scientists have even observed lower ranked apes BOWING to higher ranked apes. Its common knowledge that human societies are hierarchical, but its interesting that this hierarchy is rooted in our ape DNA.  Its not a coincidence that practically every human society in history has been structured as a reverse pyramid with one supreme ruler (i.e., alpha male) on top with a hierarchy of lower ranked apes beneath him.

Of course, the alpha male is number one.  What does this mean?  At a primal level, it means that “the alpha male can do whatever he wants.”  That’s right, that’s the whole definition of an alpha male boils down to this: he does whatever he wants.  That’s it.

Of course, it makes sense that women would be attracted to the male that does whatever he wants.  If the alpha male truly does whatever he wants, that means he can beat up the other males.  That means he can get them food and shelter whenever he wants.  That means he can impregnate them whenever he wants. That means he can have sex whenever he wants.  It also means that the alpha male is never needy or desperate because he can control himself because he can do WHATEVER HE WANTS.  By definition, a lower ranked ape cannot do whatever he wants because at the end of the day he has to obey the alpha male.  So the beta male (the #2 male) can do whatever he wants until the alpha male walks by and tells him to go get him a banana or he will get his ass kicked.

So women have a primal aversion to any man that is being controlled, whether it be by another man or woman.  And that’s why women lose their attraction to you when they feel like they can control you.  How can you be an alpha male if you let a woman control you?  Women have to feel like you’re unpredictable and you’re constantly doing cool and interesting things, i.e., the kinds of things a man that can do whatever he wants does. It’s interesting that the most famous character in all of literature, God, is basically a cosmic alpha male that can do whatever he wants on the grandest scale. He literally spends all day kicking people’s asses and giving his friends material things.  And people literally worship him.

As a practical matter, this means that to impress a girl you have to subtly make her feel like you can do whatever you want.  Of course, if you stand her up on a date to play Xbox at home, her rational mind/societal programming is going to tell her that you’re a douchebag that isn’t interested in her.  But you do need to make a woman feel at a primal level that you can do whatever you want.  For example, sometimes if I’m a club and I want to impress a club, I’ll ask the DJ to play a song (I’ll even slip him a $20 if I have to).  When the DJ plays the song, he looks like he works for me and I can do whatever I want.  Of course, the DJ isn’t beneath me, but I am striking that irrational/primal chord in her psyche that makes her attracted to alpha males.

Think about waiters at restaurants.  If you really think about, the whole concept of waiters at restaurants is totally irrational – at even the fanciest places it would make more sense to order at the counter and just go get your food from the counter when its ready.  At the very least, you would order at the counter and somebody would bring you the food.  But restaurants have waiters because are willing to pay a small fee (15-20% of their total bill) so they can pretend to have a slave for a few hours.  Part of the reason women put out after dinner is that they saw the man they were with completely control and dominate another man for a short while – they basically felt like he was the alpha male.  Its totally irrational, its totally stupid, and nobody wants to admit its true – but at the end of the day, how else can you explain restaurants?

This also explains why women like bad boys – a bad boy is really nothing more than a guy who insists on breaking society’s rules.  Logical people know that bad boys are eventually going to get caught and go to jail because our society has a good police system.  However, when a bad boy makes it appear like he can do “anything” that touches a very primal part of a woman’s emotions.  This is also why women like magicians (this is a very weak attraction, obviously), artists, etc…  This is also why women are more attracted to men moving up and improving themselves than men that have already attained success.

As you can imagine, many women (especially feminists) don’t want to admit that they attracted to alpha males because it is a totally irrational thing for human beings.  We live in a society with laws and nobody can truly do “whatever he wants” and if any man tried he would go to jail immediately.  It also just happens that the most successful men are the most disciplined, hard working, and most likely to follow directions and not want to kick other guys’ asses.  So the actual best men in society are often the complete opposite of the “alpha male” that women are attracted to.