What is confidence?

The biggest piece of advice given in the PUA/self-improvement community to men is “be confident.”  But what does it mean to be confident?  It is a much more difficult question than it looks. I have wrestled with this question for years, and here is my stab at it. 

Confidence is the KNOWLEDGE and the EMOTION that nobody is better than you.  That’s it.  The knowledge is the intellectual component – you just have to know that nobody is better than you.  But the intellectual component is not enough because human beings are emotional creatures and our biology is constantly releasing hormones and chemicals to make us feel inferior.  So not only do we have to KNOW that nobody is better than us, we also have to FEEL like nobody is better than us.  The feeling takes time and it only comes with practice.  It is like weightlifting; at first you will go out and be “confident” for like 10 minutes and then something will come and disrupt it (a snarky comment, a girl you think is too hot for you, etc…); then you go out again and you can hold it for an hour; and then eventually you can go toe to toe with any woman or douchebag dude trying to belittle you – and win.  

The intellectual component of confidence is useless without the emotional component because no matter how much you “know” that you are confident, your body and emotions will betray you.  Your body language, your demeanor, your choice of words, etc… It will eventually come out that you don’t feel confident.  Similarly, the emotional component of confidence is meaningless without the intellectual component because there will always be some situation that you have never experienced before and your emotions are not ready for – you need the intellectual component to keep you on track.

Because a huge part of confidence is an emotion, it cannot be taught.  It can only be practiced.  Can you describe happiness to somebody who has never been happy?  Can you describe love to somebody who has never felt love?  No, well you can’t describe confidence to somebody who has never had it – they just have to work at it.  Most confident people can’t explain what they are doing or why they are how they are because it is mostly subconscious.

Low self-esteem chumps are often told they need to improve themselves – go to the gym, pick up a hobby, basically improve their life so they can become more confident.  That’s good advice, but its not enough.   You see, improving your life improves your ACTUAL confidence but to impress women (and a lot of men) you have to have FAKE confidence too.  Fake confidence is the knowledge/emotion that you will conquer any situation, no matter what it is.  There are tons of people that are extremely confident in one part of their lives but fall apart in other parts of their lives.  How many nerds do you know that are absolutely brilliant at math or know the entire Batman chronology but absolutely fall apart when talking to girls. 

To succeed with women, you have to have an unbreakable, FAKE confidence.   If you walk into a party full of NBA basketball players you have to feel like you are the tallest person there.  If somebody has a heart attack you have to feel like you can rescue them.  If Jay Z walked in you have to feel like you can walk up to him and have a conversation.  Yes, I know its silly and delusional, but this is what separates “kind of” confident men from real confident men.  You just have to make sure that you don’t do anything stupid like try to fight a guy that can kick your ass. Part of the reason girls are attracted to douchebags is because they have tons of fake confidence that can’t be backed up by anything, and occasionally girls get tricked into thinking its real. 

Being insecure and self-critical is GOOD.  It’s a good trait.  Some of the most awesome dudes I know (in terms of accomplishments, work, personality, etc…) are the worst around girls because they can’t project that delusional fake confidence that women are attracted to.  The reason for this delusional self confidence is that you need to feel like nobody is better than you – EVER, in any situation. 

How to Have a Conversation with a Woman

I see a lot of guys ask about how to have a conversation with a woman. Here’s one idea; let me know what you think. Basically, the TLDR is:

TLDR: Identify the strongest emotion that she is feeling and address that emotion in the most ALPHA WAY POSSIBLE

Let’s back up: women, like men, are a ball of emotions, most of which are irrational. They are constantly being tossed to and fro by these emotions, and they themselves can’t understand where these feelings came from or what they mean or why they have them. It’s actually worse for women because science has shown that, because of the way chemicals in their brain work, women are more than twice as likely as men to suffer from anxiety and depression – meaning they have literally twice the emotions to deal with. Women are twice as likely to freak out, be worried, and feel insecure/insignificant, etc… Add that to the fact that we live in a misogynistic society where men don’t listen to women and are constantly lying to women to get them into bed. No matter how hot or powerful these women are, they need to have these emotions addressed and their fears assuaged – most powerfully in the form of attention by men. And women, like men, are generally selfish with their emotions so they don’t want to waste their time worrying about somebody else’s emotions unless they can get some direct benefit as well. If you look at reasons that women reject men, it is often because men are “inattentive” to them, that they don’t “listen,” and that they talk about themselves too much.

As a practical matter, it may be difficult to determine what emotion that woman is feeling, especially if you just met her. It’s an art – you have to listen to every word she says carefully, “read her,” analyze her body language, and try to figure out what kind of person she is. Sometimes it’s easy – if she is clearly a vegan/hippie chick you can quickly guess what she cares about, what to say, and what definitely NOT to say. But generally, if you can strike up any kind of conversation with a woman, she will quickly drop hints as to what she cares about. If the woman is not emitting any signals at all, sometimes you just have to guess. One of my most impressive pickups was when I was in a really douche, materialistic nightclub full of attractive people. I saw a really hot blonde chick with fake tits around a bunch of short, ugly guys. Being drunk, and full of courage, I walked up to her and said “you’re way too hot to be with these guys.” (Kids, don’t try this at home). She immediately hugged me and said “OMG you’re sooo right!” I was in, and only because I had successfully guessed that a really attractive woman at a really douchey, materialistic club would be very self-conscious of her appearance and what kind of guys she surrounded herself with. That same line definitely would not work at a Star Wars convention.

A lot of women are only attracted to men that are emotionally unavailable. I’ve always wondered why that was, and I now think that part of the reason is that emotionally unavailable/disinterested men can paradoxically address women’s emotions better than a guy that likes the woman. Why? The guy that really likes the woman will bring his own emotions into the relationship, annoying and frustrating her, making it harder for her to get attention for HER emotions. Let’s say a woman says to the guy “how come you never call me?” A chump that had feelings for the girl would get all emotional and be like “call you? Why don’t you call me? Calling is a two-way street, y’know, blah blah blah.” But an emotionally unavailable/disinterested guy would be like “call you? Ok yeah, I’ll call you.” Even if the AFC tried to address her emotions it wouldn’t feel authentic to her because she knows there is an ulterior motive underlying his words, whereas an emotionally unavailable guy is just telling the complete truth. Only offer up your own emotions if the girl asks for them and even then only a little bit. You know that girl that really liked you but stopped hanging out with you cuz you got too clingy? Well, the truth is that she still likes you but she is avoiding you because she doesn’t want to deal with your emotions – she just wants her emotions addressed. Period. A lot of guys think that women are looking for a guy to fall madly in love with them, but in reality women would rather have a guy that coolly and calmly addressed their emotions, even if he doesn’t like them.

One last point – you don’t have to fix the woman’s problems. You just have to BE THERE as an ALPHA . Let’s say the girl is complaining to you about her boss at work. My old AFC self would have sat and listened attentively and then explained to her how to fix her problems with her boss. But that’s NOT what she wants to hear. Fixing her relationship with her boss is hard work – she would rather just be with an alpha male that can make everything feel good. So if a girl is complaining about her boss, nowadays I will just say “I have a good relationship with my boss, so I don’t know what to tell you.” This makes the girl feel better because, instead of improving her relationship with her boss, which is hard work, she can cuddle with me and feel close to me, a person who has a good relationship with their boss and is strong and powerful. Obviously that is stupid and counterproductive because when she wakes up in the morning she has to face her boss again, but HELLO WELCOME TO HUMAN NATURE! For most of the emotional issues girls have, being “accepted” by somebody who is powerful and in control will make them feel better.

When listening to a girl’s problems and/or addressing her emotions you have to make it clear that you are not a shoulder to cry on or a doormat. The entire time keep a distance and a level of feigned disinterest so she realizes that the attention you are giving her, which is golden, is something valuable and that she needs to work to keep it. By not introducing any conditions or weird requests into the relationship you seem like a golden angel come from heaven to make her feel good, asking nothing in return. You become a drug that she NEEDS, because nobody can address her emotions like you can. But let her know that you’re not a doormat, and you can toss this attention to any girl, so she needs to mind her Ps and Qs.